My first plan of action in playing outside the box in safeguarding Ben’s health after he’s out of my care is to get a night watchman. Woman.
He shouldn’t sleep alone. When he goes off to college or wherever he goes when he gets the boot at 18, I’d sleep easier knowing he’s sleeping with someone.
He’s been a ladies man since before he could talk, and he’s just getting better all the time. This summer, at a garage sale, he overheard some little girl ask her mom for a purse, and he bought it for her. Such a money move.
So what can I do as he grows up to cultivate this interest and guarantee his success? Outside of keeping a text book devoted to the female orgasm in a visible spot on the bookshelf and leaving him alone long enough for him to get curious and read it, I plan to offer some guidelines. So far I have:
- Read good books and use interesting words.
- Hold doors open, not just for her, but for little old ladies- especially little old ladies. (This one he has nailed. Almost. If the little old lady is trying to open the door herself, he’ll actually get in her way to stop her, and this has sometimes caused confusion. They melt like butter though when they figure out his intention.)
- Practice good oral hygiene.
- Don’t finish your dinner before she does. Extrapolate that to other areas of your relationship.
- Help her get her coat on. Also, live somewhere that gets chilly enough to require a coat.
- Speak lovingly of your mother.
- Learn how to make a fantastic fucking breakfast.
Also, this kid may not be cute forever, so he will have to learn how to play guitar.
That should do it, right?